


Something Worth Protecting

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, Protective Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-05-07 21:29:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14679858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: Magnus is left with an already injured Alec to protect when the building next to them explodes. (a 3x10 coda)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set after the last time we see Magnus and Alec in 3x10, starting slightly before the end of the episode and also partially a coda.

This wasn’t right. This wasn’t how things were supposed to play out. He was supposed to come back, save Jace, and help them defeat Lilith.  _ Together.  _ Instead Magnus held a grievously wounded Alexander in his arms while Jace turned to run back into the building. Jace already activated Alec’s healing rune, something that would be the strongest under his influence and currently their best chance at keeping him alive as long as possible. But besides that there was nothing more Jace could do for his parabatai that Magnus couldn’t do on his own, and so he went where he was most needed, leaving Magnus behind with Alec. 

Looking down into Alec’s eyes as they fluttered shut, then open, then shut again slowly (and growing slower each time, leaving Magnus with the paralyzing fear that they weren’t going to open again one of these times) he knew that he couldn’t simply sit here and wait for the others to return, no matter how helpless he felt in the moment. Just because he couldn’t use his magic didn’t mean there was nothing he could do to help. Magnus reached into his pocket for his phone when a sudden noise from overhead stopped him. 

There was an explosion, one that shook the ground beneath them as it began to rain down debris from the upper floors of the building Jace disappeared into only minutes before. The building Clary and Simon and Luke and Isabelle were all inside of. But there was no time to worry about them besides a single spare thought before he saw the descending rubble begin to fall around them. Magnus instinctively brought a hand out to shield himself and Alec, experiencing a moment of panic before he remembered - his magic was gone. Every instinct he had ingrained in himself over centuries was useless to him now. He had no barriers, no wards to draw up, no portals to escape through. They were in a perilous situation and the Great Magnus Bane, son of Asmodeus and former High Warlock of Brooklyn, had no powers to draw upon. No quick fixes, no easy escapes. And for the first time since he made the deal with his father he realized the implications of what it  _ really _ meant for him, with the last of the magic his father gave him entirely gone from his body now. He never felt so empty before. 

But it didn’t matter. He couldn’t think about that now. 

He had himself, and he had something worth protecting, and so long as he had breath to draw he would use the life it gave him to defend the man he loved the best he could from whatever dangers the world might throw at them, supernatural or otherwise. 

In an instant he was on top of Alec, hovering over him to shield the injured shadowhunter from the glass and metal with his own now equally frail, mortal body. Magnus’ torso arched awkwardly around the arrow still protruding from Alec’s chest, careful not to hit it or push it in further as he acted as a barrier against the rubble, back stiff against the force of the glass that hit his lower back, dragging down his side and cutting into his flesh with a searing pain he couldn’t help but cry out against. 

There were more hits, more cuts and bruises, but he bore them all, bracing himself against the impacts wondering each time if it would be the last. But he never once broke his eyes away from Alexander, taking in every detail of his hazel eyes, the dry lips that struggled for breath, the unsteady rise and fall of his shoulders against the ground, taking in the lines of his face while desperately trying to ignore how quickly the color continued to drain from Alec’s normally flushed, healthy flesh. Committing it all to memory just in case…  just in case one of of them...

And then it was over. The noise around them slowed, then stopped altogether, and Magnus hardly realized the adrenaline keeping him going until he collapsed beside Alec the moment the danger passed. A slow, shaky hand reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, pressing numbers into a cracked screen he could barely read. 

“Magnus! Did you hear that explosion, too? I called earlier but Alec said you already left and-” 

“There isn’t time. I need you here, now. Please.” There was something about the way his voice broke, the desperate pleading and how totally wrecked the unsteady up-and-down cadence of his words hit her, that stopped Catarina’s questions in their tracks. 

“I have Madzie, I can’t just leave her alone...”    
  
“Then  _ bring her with _ .”  __ He didn’t stop to think about how seeing Alec like this might affect the young warlock who had grown so fond of him, but he couldn’t think about much of anything outside of Alec’s strained breaths growing more and more shallow by the second. He gave the address and hung up, knowing that she’d come, one way or another, before focusing all of his attention back on Alec. Slowly, carefully, he brought himself up on shaky legs to kneel beside him again, one hand moving to cradling his head while the other rubbed small, gentle circles over the back of his hand. 

“Listen to me. I’m getting you help, any second now. Just hold on a little longer, alright? Can you do that for me?” He wished he could keep the pain from his tone. Magnus wanted nothing more than to be a pillar of strength for Alec, but he could barely kneel beside him without wincing. His own injuries stained a deeper crimson into the red fabric of his coat, but he didn’t care. 

Alec’s lips twitched. “Magnus...  I-” Just two words, but they were spoken so slowly it looked as if it took every last ounce of energy he had to force them out in a rough whisper. 

“Rhetorical question - of course you can. You’re going to hold on for me. For  _ both of us _ . I didn't come back here just to lose you.” Magnus kept talking, gently touching Alec’s face every time his eyes closed for too long, fighting back the blackness that started to bleed into the corners of his vision, a mixture of pain and exhaustion he didn’t know how long he could fight against. His words grew quieter, weaker with every sentence, but he didn’t stop. 

He managed to keep both himself and Alec alert until he heard Catarina arrive behind him, and only when he was certain Alexander was safe again did he allow his eyes to close, unconsciousness sweeping over him in one swift, welcoming wave. 


	2. Chapter 2 - What's Left Behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus wakes up to find Alec gone, and a very confused Maryse to explain things to. Cat realizes something is wrong when Magnus doesn't follow her with Alec and comes back to help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I lost a lot of the motivation to continue this over the summer, but recently I had a TON of inspiration for it and I'm hopefully going to pick this back up again for this, and at least one other update, depending on where things go. 
> 
> To those of you who asked for a continuation literal months ago, I hope very, very, very late is better than never! <3 And I swear it will not be months between this update and part 3! 
> 
> Last note, I started this in past tense and did the second part the same way just for consistency's sake, but I'm debating re-writing them both into present tense and continuing that way. Thoughts? Opinions? Feel free to mention if you have a preference in the comments!!

 

“Where is he? Magnus, where’s Alec, was he-- by the Angel, what happened!?” The sound of Maryse’s voice was just a soft, faraway sound at first before Magnus could process that she was speaking to him and he tried his best to focus. How long had he been unconscious? 

Magnus’ heavy eyelids blinked open slowly, the darkness giving way to the sight of broken glass and shattered pieces of what used to be the uppermost floors of the building next to them. It took him a few seconds to remember why he was lying on the ground but the moment he did he made a move to push himself up onto his feet. It was a motion he immediately regretted. 

Every inch of his skin was tender, as if the surface of his flesh consisted of one giant bruise, but the lightning-hot flash of pain from his side was what sent him crashing back down to the earth below almost immediately after trying to move away from it. He brought a hand to the origin of the pain only to bring it away red with the blood that stained through his clothes. His blood from the injuries he sustained protecting Alec from--

_ \--Alexander _ . 

Ignoring the pain he shifted enough to rest on his knees, wide eyes looking wildly in every direction. Alec wasn’t there. And he wasn’t the only one aware of the missing Shadowhunter. Maryse kept her distance like Alec asked, but the moment that building exploded all previous deals were off the table. She came to make sure everyone was alright, to check on Alec and Jace and Izzy, but instead she was met with Magnus, alone and bleeding out on the street… Magnus, the one she didn’t think she had to worry about in all of this. 

Magnus met her gaze, hoping his words sounded more confident than he felt in speaking them. “Catarina should have him,” he said, looking around for any sign that he hadn’t simply hallucinated the other warlocks’ arrival earlier. 

“What do you mean,  _ should _ ?” 

“I blacked out,” he admitted slowly, ashamed of the weakness he was unaccustomed to. A weakness he wasn’t keen on growing used to. “But I called her first… I saw the portal before I passed out, I’m certain she took him. He’ll be fine.” Magnus wasn’t sure whose benefit he said the words for more, Alec’s mother or himself. Putting on a brave, strained grimace of a smile he attempted once more to stand, and only ended up on his back, breath coming in heavy gasps. 

Maryse look down at him with the practiced concern only a mother could master. “Magnus, you can't go anywhere like this. Heal yourself first then we'll go to Alec.” 

Magnus closed his eyes, unable to meet Maryse's eager gaze. Her words held expectations he couldn't meet, things that should've been simple for him, and he couldn't bring himself to disappoint her further. He already hadn't been there to protect Alec. He couldn't heal him when he arrived ( _ almost too late he was almost too late to save him _ ). And now he couldn't even take them to him, wherever he was. He was so goddamn  _ useless.  _

Maryse could tell something was wrong. “...Magnus?” 

The heavy silence that fell after his name was broken by the sound of footsteps coming from behind him, and a familiar voice said what he couldn’t bring himself to admit out loud, not here, not like this. The physical pain he felt was nothing compared to the emotional and almost spiritual trauma experienced by the void he felt throughout his entire being. As if everything that made up Magnus Bane was suddenly gone, and all that was left behind was a shell of his former self, hollow and empty. 

“He can’t.” It was Jace. Magnus opened his eyes at the sound of guilt that sat heavy behind Jace’s words. “He traded his magic to save me. Magnus, you never should have agreed to it. My life isn't worth it.  _Me nearly killing Alec wasn't worth it._  You should’ve just killed me before any of this-” 

“Jace, stop!” To Magnus’ surprise it was Maryse who interrupted his rush of self-deprecating words. “I refuse to hear another word. Do you really think living with killing you would’ve been the  _ easier _ option for any of us?” Her voice was shaking as she spoke in equal parts sentimental anger and comfort. Jace was okay. He was  _ himself _ again. Just seeing the relief on her face was enough to justify what he did, Magnus thought. 

Magnus knew how much emotional whiplash the past 24 hours must have been for Maryse, and how difficult the following hours would continue to be until all of her family were safe once more. Magnus nodded in agreement with her sentiment. “I’d do it a dozen times over.” He said firmly. “You’re not just Alec’s parabatai - you’re his brother. You’re family.” Magnus wasn’t a fool. He knew that caring about Alec meant caring about _all_  of the family he loved so deeply. “We weren’t going to lose you if there was something that could be done about it.” 

That didn’t mean Magnus didn’t wish that there was any other option left before making the deal with Asmodeus. There wasn’t a single thing he wouldn’t give before his magic, but of course that was the only thing his father wanted. It was the only thing his father  _ ever _ wanted from him since the day he was born. His expression grew cold at that thought, knowing that Asmodeus got exactly what he wanted, and that Magnus hand delivered it to him. Maybe he was more of a fool than he cared to admit.

But Jace wasn’t comforted. In fact, there were fresh tears springing to his eyes now. “But if you lost me, then maybe Clary wouldn’t be--” but his voice choked, words he couldn’t bear to speak catching in his throat. They looked from him back up to the building. In all the chaos, all the concern over Alec and himself, he hadn’t stopped to think about just what caused that explosion, and who was up there when it happened. 

“Isabelle--” Maryse started, almost too afraid to ask.   
  
Jace shook his head. “She’s alright. She and Luke are inside handling the mundanes Lilith possessed.”  
  
"Oh, thank the Angel," Maryse sighed. 

“And Simon?” Magnus asked, his voice soft. 

Jace swallowed hard, every emotion he tried to fight back threatening to resurface before he regained some small semblance of control again. “He’s… fine. Physically.” The clarification needed no elaboration. Clary was Simon’s best friend, and if something happened to her after he went to free her… 

The three of them fell silent, allowing a moment for all of that information to settle.  

Jace was free from Lilith, and Lilith was banished - everything they set out to do was accomplished, and Magnus knew that some part of him should be happy. But was it worth the cost, if Clary was truly gone? If Alec was left with an arrow in his chest, and a score of mundanes dealing with the aftermath of murdering those they loved the most? If he was left without his magic, mortal and helpless? 

There was no time to properly dwell on the implications of what they lost in the battle against Lilith before the tell-tale sound of a portal opening drew their attention to a spot several yards away. Catarina stepped through it, eyes wide at the scene that greeted her, gaze instinctively drawn to Magnus lying on the ground in pain too severe to hide from his face. 

“Magnus, I’m so sorry,” she said, closing the portal behind her as she made her way towards him. 

“How’s Alexand-” 

“You have Alec, righ-”

Magnus and Maryse both interrupted her before trailing off, taking a moment to share a brief flicker of a small, sad smile between them as their overlapping exclamations trailed off.  

“I do. He’s stable for now,” she said, and while that was inherently good news, the implications of the ‘for now’ were not lost on them. But her focus returned to Magnus, looking him up and down, taking in the blood staining the side of his jacket, the way he winced as he shifted to sit upright, this time without immediately falling back over. He looked pleased at the progress, even through his grimace. 

“I didn’t realize you couldn’t-” she started again, kneeling down beside him. “That you didn’t--” But even as she looked him in the eyes she couldn’t say it out loud, as if maybe not acknowledging it might make it less true. If she didn’t say it, maybe it would go away. “If I knew I never would’ve left you here this long alone.” 

“Oh, I’m-” he grunted as he shifted more, holding himself upright with his hands stretched back behind him. “-fine, really. Just some bumps and bruises and maybe a little internal bleeding. And external bleeding.” He looked back down at his side, and at his hand. “How did you figure it out?” 

“I didn’t. I mean, I realized something was off when you didn’t follow after the first few minutes. But I was so distracted healing Alec, I didn’t stop to think…” she trailed off and cleared her throat, and Magnus could tell she was wondering what she would’ve done had she come back and found him much worse off than he was. “But once he was stable enough to speak the only thing he would do was demand I go back for you. I ignored him at first, insisting you could take care of yourself, until he told me that-” And there was that pain again, the sort that cut her words short and diverted her gaze away from him just for a moment. That moment was all it took for Magnus to feel a consuming wave of shame over the pity in her voice. He wasn’t used to pity and he didn’t want it. 

“That I don’t have my magic any more,” he finished for her. “It’s alright, Cat. It isn’t like saying it out loud can make it any worse than it already is.” He hadn’t meant for the words to take on such a harsh, biting tone of cynicism and he knew it wasn’t exactly helping. Catarina’s face fell and she opened her mouth, hesitated, and shut it again, not knowing what she could say to make this better. The fact of the matter was that there  _ wasn’t _ anything she could say to make this better - there was nothing  _ anyone  _ could say or do to fix this now. It was done. 

But thankfully, for Magnus at least, they all had more pressing matters to attend to. “It’s fine,” he said again, softer this time, and the look of apologetic regret on his face erased some of the tension that lingered after his last statement. “Just… if you could do something about the fact that I’m relatively certain my insides are trying to become outsides-” Cat was kneeling next to him before he could finish the sentence, pushing aside the torn fabric of his coat and gingerly lifting up his shirt to reveal a serious gash down his side. Not quite as life-threatening as his dramatics let on, but far from a simple flesh wound. 

She brought her hands to the wound, covering it with a small, faint trail of silvery light-blue magic. He could tell she was weak and wondered how much of her magic she already used up on Alexander. He didn’t want her wasting any more on him, but he also knew he wouldn’t make it far without at least some of this wound patched up first. 

“You’ve lost a lot of blood,” she muttered under her breath. “I’ll take you to the hospital when-”   
  
“-no.” Magnus cut her off, stopping to wince at the pain of the healing flesh as it started to mend itself together again. “Just patch me up enough to move and take me to Alexander.” 

“--I think you mean  _ us _ ,” Maryse spoke up, and while her tone was full of fear and worry there was a firmness to her words. She was going to her son. 

“Of course,” Catarina agreed. “You’re welcome as well, Jace.” The blonde Shadowhunter looked from them to the building behind them, and back. So much happened in such a short time, and he still wasn’t certain what happened to Clary, if there was a chance that she wasn’t really… that she might still be… 

“You can’t be here alone when the Clave shows up,” Maryse told him gently, placing a hand on his shoulder. “After everything that happened, they’re going to shoot first and ask questions later - you won’t get a word out before they arrest you.”    
  
“Maybe that’s for the best.” 

“Alec will want to see you when he wakes up,” she tried again, caught somewhere between not taking no for an answer and wanting him to care enough about his own well being to make the decision for himself.     
  
“...I can’t!” Jace nearly shouts, the words trembling. “I’m going to be the last person he wants to see. He nearly  _ died _ because of me, Maryse. And now Magnus-” 

  
“-didn’t sacrifice my magic so you could throw yourself in line for execution five minutes later.” Magnus finished for him. 

“One night. Let the others sort this mess out, come back and make sure Alec is alright, and then you can do whatever you think is best.” Maryse was practically pleading. She nearly lost one son that night, she wasn’t about to potentially lose another so soon. 

“Alright,” Jace reluctantly agreed, and as if on cue Cat stood and took a step back from Magnus, opening up a portal behind her. “You’re cleared for travel,” she announced, offering a hand to help him up from the ground which he took gingerly, features scrunching slightly at the strain of standing. But he could move without falling over now, and that was all he needed. 

“Thank you. For everything. If you hadn’t answered when I called I don’t know what I would’ve done-” he tried his best not to but the words catch in his throat, turning into a choked sob that he did his best to hide from Jace and Maryse.  Thankfully they were already several steps away heading toward the portal, and only Cat noticed. 

“Of course, Magnus. You don’t have to thank me - you would’ve done the same for me. I’m here for you through this, alright?” She took a moment to grab him by the arm as Jace and Maryse vanish through the portal. “Through  _ all _ of this. But you have to promise you’ll  _ let  _ me help you. We both know how stubborn you can be, and I won’t have you pretending nothing is wrong and shutting me out, alright? I won’t stand for it.” 

Her eyes were shining with unshed tears, voice wavering with emotion. She knew the implications of a warlock losing their magic. It didn’t happen often, there were only a handful of documented cases. He hadn’t just lost his magic, he lost his immortality, too. After the centuries spent together, and the recent loss of Ragnor, she wasn’t ready to lose him, too. 

“I promise, Cat.” His voice was impossibly soft. He knew the two of them would need to speak about this - that the conversation with her would be the second most difficult one he’d have over all of this. But he had to deal with the most difficult of the two first. 

He shifted his arm in her grip so that they were holding hands, and he gave hers a tight squeeze before leading the way through the portal. 

Leading the way to Alexander. 


	3. Chapter 3 - The Lives We Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As they check up on Alexander, Magnus is forced to talk about the decision he made with the people around him. It's nearly impossible, and if it's this difficult to talk to his friends and Alec's family, he doesn't want to think about how impossible talking to Alexander is going to be.

When they arrived back at Catarina’s apartment, Alec was asleep. The sight of him lying on the bed, eyes closed and breathing so shallow they had to strain to make sure he was even breathing at all, was nearly too much for Magnus. 

 

"I thought you said he was conscious?” Maryse asked Cat, her voice barely above a whisper as she walked to the bedside, laying a hand gently over the bandages expertly wrapped around his chest. 

“He was when I left,” Cat promised, doing her best to not look concerned. Following close behind to sweep a hand down the length of his torso, magic reaching out for anything that could’ve gone wrong so quickly, she relaxed when there was nothing to be found besides the same injuries she left him with. 

“He said he was tired, and told me to wake him up when Magnus was here.” The explanation came from behind them in the doorway where Madzie appeared, a glass of water in hand. She walked it over to the bedside table and placed it there. “I was just getting him some water for when he wakes back up. Don’t worry, I watched over him while you were gone, just like you said.” 

“Thank you, Madzie.” Magnus looked Alec over once but kept his distance. With Maryse and Cat already there, he didn’t want to crowd him, even asleep. “We should probably just let him sleep, though. I’m sure he needs the rest.” 

And with that, Mangus turned and left the room. He needed to clear his head, and Alec was in more than capable hands. In fact, without his magic, Magnus was certain that nearly any hands besides his own would be more capable. He was so used to using his magic for everything that he didn’t even think he could wrap up those bandages properly on his own… what good would he be to Alexander now? 

It wasn’t long before Jace joined him out in the living room. 

“Are you alright?” The shadowhunter asked, the words slow and cautious. 

“Am I--?” Magnus repeated, shaking his head. “Yes. No. Every inch of the spectrum in-between.” It was the truth. He didn’t know how to even answer that question. He was alive, but the wounds he suffered were barely healed, and even limping himself this far into the living room took more strength than he cared to admit. He knew the physical wounds would heal, however.  But mentally? Hell, right down to the very  _ soul _ of him, he felt empty. He was a stranger to himself, hollow and distant and useless. And though he’d only been mortal for a matter of what, minutes now? An hour or two at best? He felt the weight of it pulling on him. 

A long silence fell between them then. Jace shifted uncomfortably, not sure if anything he could say would ever be enough, and Magnus simply existed, breathing and adjusting to the strange lack of power and control within himself. They both allowed their thoughts to drift to the man in the other room, lying bandaged and broken on the bed, there in part because of them. 

“Thank you-” Jace started.    
“I’m sorry-”  Magnus began.

Both trailed off after they spoke over one another. 

“Sorry for what?” Jace asked immediately, confused. 

“For not getting back sooner. If I hadn’t fought it as long as I did… if I just accepted what needed to be done, I might’ve come back soon enough to stop--” Magnus’ words fell off then, his eyes darting down the hall to where Alec was. 

“For not getting back sooner? Magnus, if you hadn’t shown up when you did, I would’ve  _ killed _ him. And probably not just him, either. We both owe you our lives.” Jace paused. “And so do all the mundanes Lilith possessed. What you did saved all of us tonight. I don’t know how we could ever repay you.” 

Jace spoke in terms of ‘everyone’ and ‘we’, but the emotion in his eyes made it clear he was mostly talking about Alec. Jace was trying to think of literally anything he might be able to do for Magnus now that would even come close to making up for the warlock’s sacrifice, but he came up empty. 

Magnus didn’t know what to say to that, so he remained silent. All he wanted was the one thing no one could give him back now. Well, almost no one… 

He didn’t have much time to dwell on Asmodeus when the sound of coughing from the bedroom brought both of them back down the short distance of the hallway. Magnus winced with every step, and Jace was almost to the bedroom door when he remembered Magnus’ injuries and doubled back to offer a shoulder to lean on the rest of the way. While Magnus appreciated the thought - and anything that got him back to Alexander faster - the hit his pride took was nearly as painful as his partially-healed wounds. 

When Magnus saw Alec trying to sit up, wincing against his injuries while he doubled over, coughing blood into the crook of his elbow, he forgot all about his foolish pride. A gentle nudge from Jace behind him sent Mangus the rest of the way into the room and to the side of the bed not already occupied by Catarina, magic at hand as she leaned over his boyfriend. 

“Be still, my love,” Magnus said, bringing a hand gently up to his shoulders to ease him back down onto the bed. 

“Magnus,” Alec half-breathed, half-choked, sputtering another cough as he tried to sit upright once more. “You’re okay.” 

Magnus huffed out a laugh, shaking his head incredulously. “I’m pretty sure I’m the one who’s supposed to be worried about  _ you _ right now.” He pointed out. “Now stop moving before Catarina is forced to tie you down to keep you from pulling at your wounds.” Magnus knew the pain Alec must have been in, the wound on his chest still fresh and healing, because he felt the same right now, wincing slightly even as he shifted to better face Alec on the bed.

Magnus took Alec’s hands in his while Cat did her best to add another layer of healing magic on top of what she’d previously done. When she finished, Jace took her place by Alec’s side with his stele in hand. “Here,” he offered, and Alec instinctively turned to his side to allow his parabatai access to his healing rune, the iratze more powerful when drawn by Jace’s hand. Magnus knew that Jace would give every last ounce of extra strength he had to aid in Alec’s healing -- he knew because he’d do the same, if he could. 

Except where Catarina and Jace were able to help, Magnus could do nothing but watch, and wait. Alec’s eyes drifted shut again, slowly, before blinking back open with obvious effort. 

“You’re tired,” Magnus said, pointing out the obvious. “Get some rest. We’ll be here when you wake back up, we can talk then.” 

As if all he was waiting for was that permission, Alec nodded at Magnus’ suggestion and closed his eyes again. The moment he was certain Alec was asleep, Magnus excused himself again. This time Jace didn’t follow, and Magnus made his way out onto the living room alone.  

He needed to get out of here. He needed to go home. To think. To regroup. Even though the problems he ran from stemmed from a lack of magic that didn’t stop the instinctive reaction to raise his hands in front of him to try and summon a portal. He brought them back down quickly, thankful that no one else was here to witness the slip-up… not that there wouldn’t be plenty more to witness later, he was certain. 

Instead he sat on the sofa, head in his hands, until a voice broke him of the neverending downward spiral he found his mind in. 

“Magnus?” It was Cat. He looked up and didn’t even try to hide behind a forced smile - not with her. She knew him too well by now for it to be worth trying. 

“How is he?” It was all Magnus cared about. It was all he  _ could  _ care about. Nothing else mattered, so long as he saved Alec in time. 

“He’s doing better than I thought, honestly. I got to work soon enough that the damage to his heart wasn’t fatal. Between healing magic and his iratze, it’s going to take some time, but he’s going to be fine.” Cat gave a sad smile as she watched him sink back into the sofa in relief, wiping a few stray tears from his eyes at the news. 

“How are you?” She asked him, placing herself next to him on the sofa. She looked at him with an unwavering gaze. 

“I’ve been better,” he admitted. “I feel… I just feel so  _ empty _ . Like someone sucked the soul right out of me, my very essence is just... “ There were a few more tears then, no longer of relief. He cast a quick glance down the hall to make sure Jace and Maryse remained in the room with Alec. He didn’t want them to see him like this. “It doesn’t feel like I’m  _ me _ .” 

He had no better way to describe it. He felt as if some fundamental part of himself was taken away, and without it? Well, who was Magnus Bane without his magic? 

Catarina only nodded, not saying anything at first. “I can’t believe you did it. Did you know? Was that your plan the whole time, and you didn’t even  _ warn _ me?” 

Magnus shook his head. “No. I didn’t… and when that was his demand, I nearly walked away. I almost said no, and turned around, and if I’d come back a moment too late, and with no way to stop The Owl, or Lilith…” he shook his head. “I had no choice.” 

“You did,” she insisted, squeezing her eyes shut against the tears she couldn’t quite hold back. “You could’ve chosen yourself. We could’ve found another way--” 

“There was no other way, and you know it. We were out of time, Cat.” 

“And now you’re the one who’s out of time!” she snapped in response, voice raised in a flare of anger that she quickly brought back down with a look of mild regret. “Sorry. I just--” she sank down next to him, resting her head on his shoulder. “It was always going to be us. The three of us, forever, against the world. First Ragnor, and now you--” 

Magnus brought his hand up behind her back, rubbing back and forth across her shoulder and arm. “I’m not gone yet. With any luck you’ll still have plenty more years of me to suffer through.” He laughed a little, though it was mostly a hollow sound for show. “I’m not that easy to get rid of.” 

Cat made the motion of a huff of a laugh, her shoulders rising and falling against his side, but he knew she didn’t really mean it, either. There was little amusement to be found in the situation he found himself in, and the sorrow his decision brought her, even if he’d make it a million times over to spare Alexander. 

The pair of them remained there, not saying anything for a little while. They didn’t have to - each knew exactly what the other felt, and since there was nothing either could do to actually help the other in the way they needed, it would have to be enough to just  _ be there _ for now. 

When they did finally return to the bedroom they saw Madzie diligently checking up on Alec every few minutes, Jace standing with his arms crossed looking down at Alec’s sleeping form, and Maryse sitting on the side of the bed. 

“He’s stable enough that we can take him to the Loft,” Cat suggested. “I think it’d do him a lot of good to wake up somewhere comfortable and familiar.” 

Magnus nodded. “Thank you. For everything.” He paused then, his expression growing more concerned. “...can I call you if anything…” he trailed off, unable to bring himself to finish that sentence.  _ If anything goes wrong _ .  _ If Alec takes a turn for the worse _ .  _ If he needs help and I’m entirely useless. _

“Of course. I’ll come the moment you call.” 

Magnus nodded. “Alright then.” He wanted nothing more than to be there for Alec, to take care of him for as long as he needed, to support him every step of the way through this healing process. And he would, for as much as he could. But he had to admit now that there would be points where he would need to step away for other warlocks, for Jace and his runes, perhaps for a visit from Brother Zachariah, if he was able to swing it. Admitting any care he could provide would have to take a back seat to so many others was difficult for Magnus to accept. 

So he latched on to what he could do, which was getting Alec home and comfortable. Alec slept through the entire process of Catarina moving him to the Loft with Maryse and Jace in tow. Magnus wouldn’t dare suggest to either of them that they could leave, that he had it all under control. So long as they wanted to stay they were more than welcome. In fact, he took the opportunity of having them around to leave the bedroom without fear that the moment he stepped away something tragic would happen, knowing they were watching over Alec in his stead. 

Magnus had a million things he needed to do. People he needed to contact, things he wanted to try (could he still make potions without his magic, or would they have no effect now? Could he open his safe? Would fire messages be able to reach him, or would he be unable to receive them now?) but instead he wandered out onto the balcony in the hopes that the fresh air would clear his head a little. He hoped the cool air would  clear his head, but all it did was bring a chill straight through to his bones. 

It matched the cold, dark feeling that permeated him since he used the last of of magic Asmodeus gave him to save Jace. 

He didn’t know how long he was out there before he heard the door behind him open and shut, and a quiet voice offer, “...could you use a drink as much as me right now? Because if not, I’ll gladly take both of them.” 

He turned slowly to see Maryse holding out a glass to him. “I hope you don’t mind, I took it upon myself to raid the drink cart.” 

Magnus smiled, possibly his first genuine one all day, and accepted the offered glass. “Not at all. You know anything that’s ours is yours, Maryse. Especially when you make enough to share.” 

Magnus brought the drink up to his lips and took a long sip, not bothering to ask what was in it. He almost winced, caught off-guard by the strength of it. Magnus found instinctively familiar words leaving his mouth, ones he uttered to Alec on this very balcony not too long ago.  “That’s quite the drink.” 

Maryse took a sip of her own and winced. “Yes, well, I think the day calls for it, don’t you?” 

He couldn’t argue that. 

They both take another small sip in silence, looking out onto the city, the sound of cars passing by, the occasional angry yell of a pedestrian, the honk of a horn. The world around them passed by as if nothing momentus happened that day, as if nothing changed.  But they knew better.

Everything changed today. 

“I wanted to thank you-” 

“Stop,” Magnus cut in before she could continue. “Everyone has to stop thanking me like I did some great, selfless thing for the greater good. I didn’t. I didn’t do it for you, or for Blondie, or even to stop Lilith.” His eyes dart back towards the Loft, in the direction of the bedroom. “I did it for him.” 

Maryse nodded. “I know. And that’s why I’m thanking you for him, because when he wakes up he’s going to be furious with you.” She says it calmly, not upset over it, simply stating a fact. Warning him. “He’s going to feel guilty, and he might even hate you for it, but he’s  _ certainly _ not going to thank you.” 

Magnus didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or cry over that confirmation. He hoped that wouldn’t be the case, and truly only time would tell, but he had a sinking suspicion that Maryse was right. It would be so very  _ Alexander _ to take the blame for a decision he had no part in. 

“I’ve never been happier - or felt more shame - over being wrong about someone. You’re a good man, Magnus. My family is blessed to have you in our lives.” 

His love for Alec had a ripple effect throughout the entire Lightwood family. It helped the Shadowhunters, what he did to stop Lilith, to save Alec from having to kill his Parabatai. He saved their son, their brother, their leader, their friend. His love for Alexander bled through to an indirect devotion to the Shadowhunters at large, because  _ Alexander _ was devoted to them. He knew that from the moment they both stayed behind to repair the ley lines underneath the Institute, knowing full well they could both die at any moment. 

He never imagined it would end up like this, however. 

Magnus looked at her like he wanted to say something for a moment, opening his mouth but closing it before he spoke any words. Maryse considered him for a minute before supplying words of her own. 

“You know, when they stripped me of my runes, I felt more lost than I had in my entire life. Like I had to somehow find a way to start over, to be someone else, because I lost my very identity with those marks...” her words cut off with an involuntary swell of emotion she turned her head to hide, wiping at her eyes. 

“Maryse, please, you don’t have to-” 

Maryse shook her head determinedly. “No, it’s fine. I’m fine now… or at least getting there. I know it isn’t the same, but- those marks weren’t me. You aren’t your magic, Magnus. Just try to remember that. And if you need to talk to Lucian or me, we’re both here.” 

Magnus almost forgot that Luke had gone through the same thing as Maryse at one point. And it wasn’t the same, but… it might be close enough that if - or when - he felt able to talk about it, talking with them might not be such a terrible start. 

“Thank you, Maryse. I might take you up on that.” 

They shared a soft look of understanding before they were interrupted by Jace poking his head tentatively out of the doorway. “He’s awake again, Magnus. He wants to see you.” 

Maryse looked to him and nodded. Magnus downed the rest of his drink in one swift movement, tilting the glass back against his lips until every last drop of the horrifically strong concoction Maryse brought him was gone. It hit him fast, and Magnus was idly aware of registering the total lack of his usual tolerance -- another side-effect of losing his magic, he supposed. How many more things hadn’t he stopped to consider that would catch him by surprise like this? 

“I’m coming.” 

Magnus took a few more seconds out on the balcony, however. He knew there was no way to properly brace himself for the conversation he was about to have. As painful as thinking about it had been, as difficult as it was speaking to Catarina about it, or Jace or Maryse, he knew that this was going to be ten times worse. 

This was Alexander. How was he supposed to tell the man he loved that he was dying? 


	4. Chapter 4 - Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus finally speaks with Alec about the truth of his situation. But what he fears most isn't his newfound mortality, but the possibility that there isn't enough of the man he was before left for Alec to love.

Jace took Magnus’ place on the balcony after he stepped back inside. Whether he did this because he actually wanted to talk to Maryse or just to give Magnus and Alec the privacy of an empty loft, Magnus didn’t know, but he was grateful either way. Magnus made his way down the hallway and stopped just shy of the open doorway to the bedroom. He listened to his own racing heartbeat, to the sound of Alec coughing lightly from the bed, and took a moment to steady his breathing and force the smallest hint of a smile onto his face before willing himself forward. 

“Alexander,” he said, voice soft, doing his best to sound hopeful even if he couldn’t quite manage ‘happy’.    


“Magnus,” Alec said, eyes giving Magnus a once-over and stopping at his stomach. Magnus looked down, momentarily confused before he remembered that he still hadn’t changed since he arrived back home. He took off his coat and black vest when they were too restrictive against the fresh injury, leaving only the lighter silver-grey dress shirt underneath which was properly stained through with blood - mostly his, but some of Alec’s, too. 

“I’m fine.” Magnus said quickly. Maybe a little  _ too _ quickly, because Alec said nothing and only quirked a scarred eyebrow. “Hey, I’m not the one with a hole in my chest.” He tried to laugh, but the sound got lost in his throat because he couldn’t bring himself to actually make light of the situation even now that they both seemed to be in the clear. Instead what came out was a choked, strangled noise that sounded dangerously close to a sob now that he was looking at Alec’s pale features, noting the way he couldn’t hold himself upright without the support of the wall behind him. 

“Come here.” 

It wasn’t a question, not like Magnus would have the power to deny it even if it was. He was at Alec’s side in an instant, ignoring the pain his own sudden movements caused him. Sat carefully along the edge of the mattress so as to not tilt it and shift Alec at all, Magnus did his best to look more at ease than he felt. 

“How are you? Catarina said you should be fine here for now, but if you want me to call her back, or if you want to go to the infirmary at the Institute--” Magnus started, but stopped when Alec shook his head. 

“I’m fine. I just want to be here, with you. That’s all I need right now.” 

They’re words that were meant to be a comfort, a reassurance. Magnus knew that, but it didn’t stop them from stinging as the weight of them hit him. “I wish that were true, Alexander. But I can’t be the help you need anymore.” 

“...Magnus?” 

There were tears in Magnus’ eyes, his own god _damn_ _body_ betraying him with reactions he fought the best he could but to no avail. He needed to be strong as much for himself as for Alec just then, and he couldn’t. He couldn’t be what Alec needed. 

“It’s nothing that can’t wait until later, dear. I’m just glad you’re alright.” He thought he could have this conversation but that was just another thing he was wrong about. Not yet, anyway… he needed more time. “Can I get you anything? More pillows? Something to eat?” 

“No. Can we just-- we need to talk about it.” Magnus winced. Alec couldn’t even bring himself to say the words out loud. 

“I’m fine. We really don’t have to talk about it right now.” 

“You gave up your magic.”   
  
“I did. And talking about it isn’t going to bring it back, so can we just drop it?” Magnus snapped, and immediately closed his eyes against the harsh tone of his own voice. “Sorry. I’m sorry.” And just like that the momentary anger is replaced with a swell of soft regret, like the flip of a switch. 

Alec leaned over, attempting to bring an arm up slowly to rest around Magnus’ shoulders. “You should be sorry-” he started, and Magnus jerked back instinctively, not expecting him to agree. Magnus saw the guilt written all over Alec’s face, just another burden added to an already full plate. It’s a weight Alec will carry every time he looks at him now.  “-you know I would never ask that of you. You never should’ve agreed to it.” 

“Yes, well, my father didn’t provide a lot of alternatives that didn’t end with either you, or Jace, or both of you, dead. I did what had to be done.” 

“But it didn’t. We could’ve found another way.” Alec insisted, changing his mind and bringing his arm down with a wince to rest it at his side more comfortably, fingers now laced in Magnus’ instead. 

Magnus only shook his head. “A second later and I would’ve been too late as it was.”

A silence fell between them, not entirely uncomfortable, but far from pleasant with the heavy thoughts that weighed on both of them in the moment. Magnus opened his mouth like he wanted to say something but closed it again instead. Centuries of speaking more languages than he could keep track of and he couldn’t find the words he needed. 

“How are you?” Alec asked, unable to just pretend nothing was wrong. Magnus couldn’t blame him - he’s positive this was the first time he shed a single tear in front of him. Clearly he wasn’t alright. 

“I’ll be okay. It’s just going to take some time to adjust to… not that I have much of that left anymore.” He muttered the last part bitterly and half-under his breath - but Alec heard it, letting the words sink in. 

“What does that mean?” The question was asked with a hesitance that gave away the part of him that didn’t want to know the answer, already fearing he had an idea of what Magnus would say. 

Magnus, however, said nothing. His gaze dropped to his lap, staring intently at his hands instead of up at Alec. 

“Magnus, what aren’t you telling me?” Alec’s voice was worried but insistent, and yet Magnus’ eyes remained resolutely downward. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t look him in the eyes and tell him that it wasn’t  _ just _ his magic that was lost. He could barely stand the guilt in Alec’s eyes  _ before _ , and to imagine if he realized… if he knew… 

Alec raised a hand to lift Magnus’ chin, Magnus’ gaze forced upward. “Hey. Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out. Together.” 

It was the last word that broke Magnus, sending the tears he mostly blinked away before to return with a vengeance. Will they? How could he ask Alec to stay with him, to stand by his side, when this wasn’t what he signed up for? First Magnus lost his title of High Warlock, then he lost his magic. Alec didn’t fall in love with someone mundane. Magnus would never be that person again. 

“I’m dying.” The words left his mouth without emotion - cold and flat, an objective fact spoken as calmly as ‘it’s raining’ or ‘we’re out of coffee’. 

Alec’s eyes dropped immediately to the wound on Magnus’ side, not fully understanding. “Were you hurt?” 

Magnus shook his head. “No. I mean, yes, but that’ll heal in time, Catarina saw to it well enough. But I’m not dying from that, Alexander. I’m just… dying.” He didn’t know how else to say it. It wasn’t from being sick, or an injury -- not yet, at least, though one of those could fell him now just as easily as any mundane. The thought was enough to send a shiver down his spine. “My immortality came from what I was. I didn’t just lose my magic to Asmodeus…” Magnus’ voice trailed off again. He said it one too many times already, he didn’t want to say it again. 

He didn’t have to this time. 

“You lost your immortality.” Alec’s eyes were damp with fresh tears. He clenched his teeth together, jaw set firm, but Magnus saw his adam’s apple bob up and down with several pained swallows as Alec tried to hold back whatever emotion, whatever cry, built up behind the words. “Magnus, I-” Alec started, but the sentence never continued, because he didn’t know what to say. 

“It’s alright. I get the feeling. I’m at a loss, too.” Magnus huffed out a laugh but it was a bitter, derisive sound. 

“Why would you-” Alec started, but stopped again. “How could you--?” 

Magnus wondered if Alec would ever be able to finish a sentence spoken to him again. The pain in Alec’s voice, the hint of anger, of betrayal at the decision made without him, stung Magnus to his core. He hated that Maryse had been right, but he wasn’t surprised.  

“I already told you. There was no other choice. We were out of time.” He sighed, suddenly allowing himself to feel tired now that he’s finally sat on the edge of the bed with nowhere new to run off to and no one new to speak with. He was here, with Alexander, and it was where he’d remain for quite some time. He could rest to an extent, but the moment he allowed himself to simply  _ be _ he felt the weight of centuries pull down at him. 

Magnus was tired, and not just from the day’s events. 

Alec stared at him. He looked like there was plenty he wanted to say but he either couldn’t, or he was holding himself back. Magnus imagined if it was the latter that he should be grateful for the strained silence. 

“It isn’t like I wanted this. I didn’t plan to lose my magic and come back mortal when I went down there.” 

“What did you think was going to happen? You knew there’d be a price to pay-” 

“-and I knew I was willing to pay it, whatever it was. To save you. Because losing Jace,  _ having to kill your own parabatai _ , would’ve killed you. And if you hadn’t, then  _ he  _ would’ve killed you. I’m not sure you’re aware, but I love you, Alexander. And in case there was any doubt before, there is  _ nothing _ I wouldn’t do for you.” 

“I would never ask you to die for me, Magnus.” 

“You wouldn’t have to.” 

Another silence fell, less uncomfortable than before, but still with that underlying current of resentment and sadness. 

“How long will you-- how does it work?” Alec asked next, doing his best to keep his voice level. Magnus saw what he was doing: Alec was going into ‘soldier mode’. Emotional detachment, fact gathering, assessing the situation, finding a solution. There was no solution, but Magnus could humor him for now. They’d both been through enough today that if this helped he was willing to play along. 

“I don’t know. I can’t say I’ve ever known of a warlock willingly giving his powers away before. There’s no guidebook for this one, I’m afraid. I could simply start aging from where I stopped, or the centuries could catch up faster.” Magnus paused to consider that since he hadn’t before. There hadn’t been time to think very hard about any of this beyond the surface recognition that it was happening and a thin veil of acceptance at the realization. “The fact that I didn’t die the moment I used Asmodeus’ magic to kill The Owl bodes well for the former though.” 

It was the best he could offer. He couldn’t promise forever, he couldn’t even promise the next few years, or months. All he could offer Alec was the hope of the full remainder of his lifetime. The best-case scenario, if he still wanted it. 

“You don’t have to say anything until you’re healed and have time to think it over. I’ll understand if this isn’t what you signed up for, but I’m here for you, either way.” Magnus said the words and watched as the expression on Alec’s face morphed into immediate confusion. 

“What are you talking about?” 

“Us. You fell in love with Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn. Not Magnus Bane the helpless mundane who isn’t even sure he knows how to work the unnecessarily complicated coffee pot he owns without magic.” 

Alec shook his head. “I fell in love with Magnus Bane. Period. Title or not, magic or not, I love  _ you _ , Magnus. No matter what. And I meant what I said before - we’ll figure this out together. No amount of time or thinking is going to change that.” 

Fresh tears sprung to Magnus’ eyes at the declaration and he nodded, not trusting his voice enough to say anything else for several long minutes. 

It was enough to keep Magnus going in a moment when he wanted nothing more than to give up. It wasn’t anything the others hadn’t already told him, and he knew this was far from the last discussion they would have about it, but to hear it come from Alec left him with the first inkling of actual hope for whatever future he might have left. No - whatever future  _ they _ might have left. Because it wouldn’t be spent suffering alone, not while he had Alexander by his side.  

“Alright.” Magnus nodded resolutely, the word that broke him down just minutes before now working to pick the pieces back up. “Together, then.” 

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com))


End file.
